Wednesday, October 15, 2008
I miss him and how badly would I miss Him?
My husband is out of town again. This time for four days. In the begining this was kinda cool. I can actually stretch out in the bed. We go to my mom's for dinner, I can watch whatever I want(even thought I don't), and I can stay up and read for hours. But now, I just miss him. Suday night, I got choked up just thinking of him leaving. I kept having thoughts like "what if he never makes it back?" I started to wonder if it was a premonition kinda thing, or the Holy Spirit telling me to be prepared. Then I told my self to cool it and not give in to such a negative attack. Dave belongs to the Lord and he is in good hands, the best.
But, it's funny how the tides ebb and wane. For a while I thought it was cool to have one less family member needing me for a few days, and no buget master looking over my shoulder. No one to argue with over stupid stuff. No worry about wether or not I was going to be in a romantic mood after cooking, cleaning, doing laudry and helping with homework. But now, I feel like half of me is gone. Like I'm only half here and the other half is in limbo. You know that Twilight Zone question of " when I leave the room does everything stop and really my whole life is just a movie for some big giant?" You know what I'm talking about. Well, I feel like when he's gone, I'm not complete. Not just figuratively. It's like half light. Sureal. I love him with all that I am.
So now the question is: what would I feel like if God suddenly went of a business trip from me? If the Holy Spirit packed a bag and kissed my cheeck and said "No biggy, just four days." How big would that hole be. Would I briefly think "Ha! He's not watching, he won't know. I can stretch out and get away with it and be lazy!" But, how profound the absence once you have felt the completeness. How dark and colorless, how devoid of joy. And even more so, how scary to not feel watched over, protected, conected. A constant friend, suddenly abscent and unreachable. I hope to consider and ponder, but never "know what you've got once it's gone".